JUST LIKE LITTLE DOGS

I found this week’s press coverage* of people defecating in the streets of Swansea, and the subsequent discussion of it via social media, depressing for a number of reasons. The first is that there may be mass defecation in the streets, or more to the point, that the manner in which it is reported, amplified and broadcasted suggests that there is. Either way, it is a salutary lesson that satire has limitations as a medium of expression. It demonstrates that those of us who aspire to stimulate debate by exaggeration to make a point may be rapidly overtaken and surpassed by real events. In writing Under Plywood in early 2012 I sought to transpose Dylan Thomas’ characters to the present day and a climate of cultural degeneration. The purpose, as outlined in an earlier blog, was not to satirise Dylan Thomas but to use the characters and devices which he deployed to such great effect in what, I believe, was his masterpiece of social satire.  Under Plywood is therefore deliberately parodic with the intention that there be a clear and unambiguous link to the original work and, hopefully, assist in recognition that the latter was written by Thomas as a social satire and not a piece of sentimental whimsy produced for the benefit of the marketeers and cultural entrepreneurs who have now annexed it for their personal or corporate advancement.  Under Plywood has been described as ‘scathing’ and ‘caustic’ by reviewers and it was entirely intentional that it be so. Most of the behaviour in it may be fairly described as extremely unpleasant but at no point did it occur to me to go so far as to suggest that any of the characters were given to shitting in the street.

This then takes us to another problem with satire and that it is, by its nature, a parasitic medium. It is entirely dependent upon the host upon which it feeds. In this instance it is focussed on something which is noxious and it draws upon the poisonous body which, in this case, is contemporary culture. It may serve some purpose in drawing attention to the diseased body, like some ulcerating sore or canker, but is inextricably attached to the degrading body that it is feeding off. The latter part of Under Plywood is more specifically concerned with the urban environment and pursuing this line of reasoning is perhaps even more depressing. Wittgenstein made the observation that; “Architecture immortalises and glorifies something. Hence there can be no architecture where there is nothing to glorify.” 
In Under Plywood there may have been an instinctive rather than deliberate assertion of the belief that the manifested content of architecture lies fundamentally beyond architecture itself: that it is an expression of the hidden qualities and aspirations of society. The conclusion, perhaps more explicitly stated, is that the disappearance of quality from architecture may be caused by the loss of the spiritual or ideal dimension from a civilization. It is suggested in turn that the loss of the ideal image contributes to, or may even lead to, the decay of culture.

Such decay is a central recurring theme in Under Plywood, as is the contributory role of contemporary media. However, this can hardly be said to be a contemporary issue. Victor Hugo predicted that architecture would lose to a new media its status as the most significant cultural message. His conclusion was that it would be supplanted by the immediate, momentary and disposable. Victor Hugo’s prognosis was chillingly accurate in that ideologies, beliefs and styles have been commodified in the consumer society and architecture has been relegated to a clumsy medium for the public consumption. It was noted by Juhani Pallasma in the mid 1980’s that;

“The fundamental message of architecture speaks of integration and permanence, clearly in contradiction with strategies of consumer ideology based on momentariness, alienation and fragmentation.”

This was an implied rather than explicit theme within Under Plywood – the preoccupation of much contemporary architecture with commercially orientated image. The immediacy of an initial impact has become a priority in attracting the attention of citizens already overloaded with information in a materially abundant society. This is manifested in the disposable architecture most directly concerned with a consumer society itself – the scenographic facades and interior fittings of shops, leisure and tourism being an expression of the acceleration of architectural consumption. These are disposable environments employing ephemeral fashions. Their rejection may be as immediate as their provision, allowing a new cycle of consumption to replace the last. This is not- to use the branded name of another bandwagon- a sustainable practice.

We return then to the parasitic nature of satire and the inevitable way that it may display or reflect many of the characteristics of that which it is intended to attack. In this case we may see a curious bi modal symmetry in the dramatization of the language of architecture in an attempt to regain its status. The architectural fashion of post-modernism, for example, may itself be seen to make a cynically calculated use of humour, parody, irony, and satire. Thereby value and signification lose their central place in human consciousness to mere image, novelty, and consumption. Finally it may be added that, as the impact of image replaces sensory experience and quality, any image that has power can be exploited: images of decadence and decay are strikingly popular today. However this blog will hopefully confirm where a line has been drawn and that future performances of Under Plywood are unlikely to feature images of people shitting in the streets of our Almost City of Culture.

But, despite the fundamental problems of satire outlined above, it remains one of the few effective weapons of the weak and  - with apologies to those who have waded through the foregoing rant - I will end with a philosophical quote from Georg Henrik von Wright who succeeded Wittgenstein at Cambridge in 1947. He stated that;
 “…as the basis of value in civilization weakens and turns false, the philosopher’s task will be – in accordance with Nietzche – to ‘philosophise with a hammer’. The philosopher must preach a kind of anarchism as a condition for a new, sane society.”     

* http://www.southwales-eveningpost.co.uk/Woman-snapped-apparently-urinating-public-Swansea/story-20105300-detail/story.html#ixzz2lChH8dtE

Frank Lloyd George knew my father and my father knew......

What is Welsh Architecture? In Wales: Churches, Houses, Castles Simon Jenkins asserted that it is ‘buildings in Wales’. It is a claim which is difficult to contest and may be reinforced by his sequel, Wales: Chapels, Empty Shops and Rugby Grounds. The greatest of our castles and monasteries may be said to be French and our capital was built by the Irish for a Scot. Only the houses of the rural peasantry, the vernacular architecture of poverty, might be said to be truly Welsh. The notable exceptions to the rule that our public buildings plagiarize European precedents in their bastardized provincial Victorian and Edwardian interpretation of the Classical and Baroque ‘styles’ will be discussed below.

Driving in from Penarth on a nice sunny other day I chanced to glance across the sparkling azure waters of Cardiff Bay and marvelled at our achievement. From a distance, on such a day, our capital could be taken for Benidorm. In a chance conversation with a visiting academic from The University of Great Leighton, Treforest Branch (open late and weekends for takeaway degrees) he said that he had travelled down by train to the meeting at the proper university in Cardiff. “I think it’s marvellous what this university is doing for Cardiff” he said. “It’s like coming in to Reading now.” And in the shopping centre named after our patron saint you could be anywhere and everywhere. Global brands and local bland.

All that is good about the place in terms of a distinct character was largely built before we were born. All that is good about the place is slowly going.

Who will make the difference and start adding to places that truly inspire or revitalize a general sense of civic pride? Who can design and build a place which will truly instil such a sense? Who are the Percy Thomas’s, Dale Owen’s and Alex Gordon’s of our day? These were chaps who could knock up a building of distinction without tracing it from the previous months edition of the Architects Journal or downloading the latest architectural icon from the internet and getting a cheapo version flung together by a local contractor*.

Who may or may not qualify for the definition of Welsh Architect? Under the rules of International Rugby Union Football Frank Lloyd Wright would. We have exported several, most recently John Belle, the Welshman responsible for the restoration of many of New York's most famous landmarks including the National Museum of Immigration on Ellis Island, (coincidentally named after a Welshman who once owned it). He made the curious statement that "New York has become one wonderful big community ... unconsciously I may have found a place that is like home without realising it."

I am not sure whether he was referring to Wales as ‘home’. If so then he may simply be parroting that clichéd national sentiment which we call hiraeth. In my experience our adoration of the homeland is usually noisily expressed in a bar which is as distantly removed from it as possible. This hiraeth seems to chiefly involve getting maudlin about Wales in a place as cosmopolitan as Noo Yoik or singing about it where rugby is played in the sun. As to the former, the template was developed and patented by Dylan Thomas and rigorously followed by our performing artists ever since. Laugharne to London, Mumbles to Malibu, Holyhead to Hollywood.

Getting back to architecture I recently ordered a biography of John Nash from Jersey Marine’s principal antiquarian bookseller, Messrs A. M. Azon on the strength of their synopsis which suggested that Nash may have been born in Neath. It proved to be as accurate a claim as ‘next day delivery’ but he did have relatives there as it happens. An interesting bit of scuttlebutt which does not appear in other biographies is that he packed his first wife off to Aberavon from London and, by implication, then encouraged an acquaintance to service her to facilitate the divorce that he wished to effect. This is possibly the only recorded instance of some chap having to be induced to seduce in the Neath and Port Talbot district. It does establish that he shared with his principal patron, The Prince Regent and his current successor a rather cavalier attitude to first wives. He also built a lot of rather nice houses in Wales, the one at Rheola being one of the more pronounceable and accessible from our only motorway.

Another famous contributor to our pantheon of Welsh architects was the Northamptonshire born Clough Williams-Ellis. Three names and two houses is definitely thoroughbred crachach and the splendidly patrician and patronising Clough is most definitely a role model for the aspirant National Architect of Wales. Here is a chap who started from nothing. As he tells it himself in one of his several autobiographies there were times in his early career when he did not have the cost of a hansom cab to return home from a ball. But he pulled himself up by his bootstraps – or would have if he hadn’t been wearing spats at the time – and elected himself an architect. Portmeirion is perhaps his best known work, one that delves deep into Welsh history and stands as an elegant reminder that, before we were French, we were run by Italians for four hundred years.

That may well be the nub of the matter. There is no such thing as ‘Welsh Architecture’; perhaps there never has been and never will be. That may be a good thing as architecture as a self-conscious expression of regional cultural identity has often been suspect. However well meant or well executed it is, at best, contrived and at worst a manifestation of the Volkisch mentality that fuels rabid nationalism. We already have plenty of that and need not encourage its representation as The Word in Stone – or whatever that is in Welsh.

What we need are more buildings and places which are Original and Good and widely recognised as such. Structures which are not procured from the itinerant band of starchitects who roam the planet tossing up gimcrack ‘Iconic Buildings’ but emerge from a genuine understanding of place and are recognised as unique. Buildings which, when seen anywhere, are recognisable as being located in Wales…..

And are preferably not castles, chapels, etc etc etc……

• Note. This is a regrettable oxymoron. ‘Local’ contractors with any significant capability are now the wholly owned subsidiaries of French multi-national companies.

BROKEDOWN PALACE

"New ideas need old buildings" Jane Jacobs

The last blog about all the good places being gone took me to the box which had the picture of Ye Olde Pilot Inn, Tiger Bay, Cardiff. In it there was also this picture of The Ritz Ballroom, Skewen. Without stating the blindingly obvious this was taken before The Ritz was demolished to create a car park for the adjoining railway station. I do not remember taking the picture. There is an estate agents board on the building - I may even have contemplated buying it for sentimental reasons. It was originally a cinema but in the 60's fell to bingomania then became a 'club' and dancehall. A significant percentage of that part of my youth which was mis-spent but could not truly be said to have been wasted was spent there. It was the sort of place your parents warned you about.  In the mod phase you could down half a flagon of cider, take the bottle back for the deposit, go to the Ritz, snog on the dancefloor - or get your head kicked in- or be lucky enough to find yourself in the seats of the surviving balcony locked in exploratory fumblings with a companion of your choice, get chips on the way home and still have change from half a crown.
Cue the music from the Hovis commercial played by The Who and you get the idea.
The Who played there, and the Small Faces, The Moody Blues, Wayne Fontana, Manfred Mann (probably), Dave Edmunds in Love Sculpture and more local heroes - The Eyes of Blue, The Bystanders, Quicksand, Dream, The Iveys. It had a particular acoustic quality which, in the late 60's, made you forget you were only pretending to have taken some exotic recreational compound, man. You had to really pretend. The smell from the toilets would have snapped someone out of a heroin overdose.
It was a time of open experimentation in contemporary music, when anything went. Sometimes it went straight to hell but most of the time most of the bands seemed to have something new and original to say. And they had the opportunity to say it and play it. By that time there was a live band playing somewhere around Swansea Bay every night except, for some strange reason on a Wednesday. That was why it was wise to save most of the exotic recreational compounds until Wednesday. Otherwise it was Skewen Rugby Club on a Thursday where Thin Lizzy were once laughed off the stage. The Patti Pavilion on Friday which for a long period seemed to be dominated by the United Artists roster of British psychedelic and long forgotten prog rock bands. Then the Ritz on Saturday. Sundays, Mondays and Tuesdays there was a band playing somewhere between Bridgend (Klee Klub) and Llanelli (The Glen Ballroom). I saw bands play in the social clubs of a Clock Factory in Ystradgynlais, a Cardboard Box Factory in Melyncryddan and Pink Floyd in the sports hall of the Afan Lido in Port Talbot. 
Of the above only Skewen Rugby Club survives. Others have come and gone, some pubs and clubs still offer the opportunity for fledgling bands to build a following in front of people not a computer screen. I, for one, am glad I was born when and where I was and I could walk from my house to a place where The Who were playing.
The Council should put up a plaque.

AND NOW IT'S DEJA BAYVIEW AGAIN.................

At lunch in Cardiff Bay last week a good friend asked me why the place didn't seem to work. It appeared to be an oxymoronic question - we had, after all, taken the trouble to drive there, find a place to park, search around to find a parking meter that actually functioned then walk through the pouring rain to sit in a chain restaurant in Mermaid Quay. Ergo, it must have some attraction I sought to reason. Or perhaps we simply go on believing that the Bay has something to offer, that we accede to the blind faith demanded by the regenerators and marketeers. Constantly telling ourselves that what is there is better than that which it replaced does not make what is there good. 
Or perhaps in my case there is simply a lingering attachment to the Bay, nostalgia in the precise meaning of the word; " a sentimentality for the past, typically for a period or place with happy personal associations".
I have fond memories of the Bay, a sense of affection for what it was. One of the reasons suggested by my friend as to why ' Cardiff Bay doesn't work' was that it still feels separated from the City. By my recollection that was precisely what made it attractive in my early teens. There was a very distinct separation, a sense of excitement down The Docks (or in Tiger Bay if you must) in a time when Cardiff really was a dreary, dull and dusty provincial town. Going under the railway bridge into Bute Street from Hayes Bridge Road was like going through the tunnel into Toontown in 'Who Killed Roger Rabbit'. Crossing the river from Grangetown on the old girdered Clarence Road Bridge had a sense of ceremony. 
Tubby Alexander's bike shop on James Street was a place of wonder, a tottering pile of crumbling masonry that looked as if it would burst and spill forth an avalanche of ancient  bicycle bits. There was a seamans outfitter who sold Levi's when they were still rarer than hen's teeth, the holy grail of the discerning mod. There were women who reputedly did unspeakable things for ten shillings but no one I knew had the courage or the cash to establish what those things were. They may have been the fat ladies with scars who took their clothes off at lunchtime in the New Haven or other clubs at lunchtimes.
Then later on there was the back room of the New Dock, well after closing time with the pile of policemen's helmets at the end of the bar as the afternoon shift from Butetown nick wound down. Packed to the rafters at 11.30 on a Saturday night then on to the Casablanca. There was one great warm summers night outside the Quebec, Vic Parker playing inside, when I thought 'this is how I imagined life would be'.The late Jed Williams, godfather of jazz in Wales, once told me it was the ultimate quest, to see a great band in a great venue. That was a privilege that one had to recognise and seize upon. Jed did that for us, got great players on the way up and great players on the way back down and put them on at Brecon and the Four Bars and, above all, The Coal Exchange. I walked past the shattered hulk of the Coal Exchange after lunch last week. That was possibly the best venue ever and I recognise what a privilege it was to see the bands that Jed, Mike Johnson, Alan Jones and others put on there. 
Even in relatively modern times it was worth the trip. Good people played at The Point until it was shut due to complaints about noise from the nimby scum moving into the 'luxury' apartments. Anywhere that you can see Richard Thompson or the surviving remains of Jefferson Airplane play should take precedence over the aural comfort of residents for an hour or so a week. Great bands beaten by the bland.
Then there was Buff's on a Friday lunchtime, with Harry Holland holding court in the corner and sometimes a dozen more artists and artisans arguing the toss long into the afternoon. Afternoons when, again, I would reflect that this is what I imagined life would be like, when Bohemia was a bus ride away. 

All of this is now gone. What we now have is a place which is corporate not cool. It could be anywhere and feels increasingly like nowhere.  What we now have in extensive areas of The Bay is public space with no public. Callaghan Square, for example, has the singular distinction of being, simultaneously, a square which is not square and a traffic roundabout which is not round. It is the largest and best appointed traffic island in Wales suitable only for skateboarding and sinister loitering. It was perhaps a deliberate insult to the second marquess of Bute that his statue was relocated to the 'square' which was to have borne his name. He gazes over the travesty that replaced his vision of a broad avenue and Georgian Squares. Admittedly that vision went to shit quicktime even then but at least he had it. The statue should be replaced by a monument to Jim Callaghan- a pile of uncollected rubbish or perhaps a seasonal snowman to immortalise the man who gave us the winter of discontent.
Lloyd George Avenue, which was originally intended to be the great avenue that connected the city centre with the waterfront ended up more aimless than Ramblas, our very own Chumps Elysees. There are plans to give the avenue another going over and those responsible could do no worse than look at the plans of the second Marquess of Bute and give it another go. However, it is doubtful that the Bay can ever again be what it was. The domination of gated apartment blocks make it very unlikely that a proper sense of community can prosper in such a place. That many of these have been sold to speculators and buy-to-let chancers means that neither owner nor occupier will become proper stakeholders in the place. It may remain no more than a transit camp for yuppies indefinitely. The Whine Bars and boozeramas of Mermaid Quay or occasional funfairs in the old West Dock basin do not a place make.
So its back to Pontcanna for lunch next time...............

THE HOUSE FOR THE FUTURE IS CLOSED FOR RENOVATION

Having recently visited the Museum of French Architecture at the Trocadero, Paris, the notion of having such a place in Wales was revived. We can, as always, learn something from the French. When you leave any of the major Paris museums you do not have to ask the question "Do the French have a word for chauvinism?". The Trocadero does not disappoint in this respect. Whilst the exhibits stop short of claiming that the Abbe Suger single handedly built the Basilica of St Denis using only French culinary implements they do not tire of reminding the visitor that before the term "Gothic" came into common use, it was known as the "French Style" . The principles of Opus Francigenum are applied to architecture as they are to other areas of culture. The history of architecture is given a resolutely French perspective; any inconvenient gaps being gracefully spanned and highlights breezily annexed. Just as their most famous local artist, Picasso, is celebrated in the Marais, Le Corbusier is given pride of place at the Trocadero. (The latter may in fact have better credentials as a Frenchman than the former. He at least made the effort to collaborate with the Vichy government). I cannot swear I saw a drawing labelled Franc Le Wright or a specific claim that Monsieur Lord Rogers had only ever built in Paris and Bordeaux but, hopefully, you get the general tone of the exhibition.
My proposition is that we could learn from this in setting out the history of architecture and urbanism in Wales by application of the reverse principle. For example, a hypothesis may be constructed on the fact that, under the Normans and Plantagenets, Wales was French. Ergo, the best of our castles are French, the remains of our great abbeys are French. We are not, as has been claimed 'Italians in the rain' but Fortified by the French. From this we might lay claim to some percentage of the overweening  self-regard of the average Parisian. This may appear to be an oxymoron as few, if any, Parisians would considered themselves average but therein lies the point. Civic pride is pathological, the city is celebrated, the concept of patrimonie ingrained. We need to get a bit of that in Wales. 
The most obvious place to do this is at the Museum of Welsh Life in St Fagans. Established by the great Iorwerth Peate in 1948 it offers an outstanding collection of Welsh buildings but does not, in its present form, tell the whole story. As part of a  £24m revamp of the main museum building, two new gallery/ exhibition buildings will be constructed and it is unclear what will be in them. Some may share my nervousness that the success of St Fagans as 'Wales' most popular heritage attraction' may be driving such investment and the agenda is about increasing its capacity as a wet weather visitor centre with capacity for weddings and conferences. Those who have heeded Banksy's exhortation to 'Leave Via The Gift Shop' may already be left wondering whether Wales has something more to offer than lovespoons and laverbread. Overall there is the feeling that a central part of our story, that of human settlement and building, is somehow being slowly subsumed, that entertainment takes increasing precedence over education. Such priorities may very well be an economic necessity essential to the well being of the National Museums and Galleries of Wales who, like all public amenities and services, face constraints and cuts at every turn. However, to see St Fagans fall to the curse of the Heritage Theme Park would be a very sad day for those who value the built environment and its history in Wales. On a grey day in the school holidays it is already appearing to be the premier suburb of Llandisney. 
If, as appears to be the case, we are faced with a relentless inevitability of dumbing down of our museums as we are in other walks of life, then it might be suggested that the new facilities be supplemented by an additional area which does tell the whole story of architecture and the built environment in Wales - one which educates, informs and entertains the visitor with that story. One which serves to foster and develop a greater degree of pride of place, that much vaunted sense of belonging - hiraeth - which is seemingly evidenced largely in foreign bars in the course of an international season. The construction industry and professions should see that supporting such a proposal would amount to no more than enlightened self-interest. The worst that could possibly happen is that their client and customer base becomes better educated and come to demand better places. This may have partially informed the House For The Future project at St Fagans some years ago, a worthy effort but, unfortunately, nothing dates faster than the future. It is clearly in the right place, having already become a museum piece. There is nothing remarkable about this.  In 1544 Yr Garreg Fawr was The House of The Future. 
Museums have to keep re- telling the story.

 

ARCHITECTURAL ASSESSMENT CRITERIA

The following is an outline of the new criteria for panel selection in architectural competitions in Wales announced by Commissar Joe Nathan of the Central Committee for Regeneration and Procurement at the Welsh School of Architecture event on 20 June 2013

Assessment criteria

Submissions will be assessed objectively on the basis of quality and price, and chosen on the basis of which one the jury wanted to get the job before the tender notice was issued:

Consultancy team [15%] Team composition, leadership experience and commitment, inter-disciplinary approach; breadth of experience, track record; creativity/innovation, technical, commercial and presentational abilities. Q         Being more concerned with expedient, stereotypical design and delivery through contractor-led  ‘partnerships’ than freshness of approach, creativity and design direction – please describe two projects of a similar nature that you have completed within the last two years. Q         With the client’s desire for  bureaucracy, cutting costs and reducing design to an assembling of parts from a catalogue at the expense of creativity, design leadership and quality – please confirm how you would use BIM on this project.

Response to the brief [30%] Understanding of context and issues; methodology and organisation; application of creativity in vision, design and problem solving; commercial awareness including that of demand and viability; commercial and technical ideas; deliverability and funding. Q         Describe how you would engage with the constructor (considerate contractor certified) at too early a stage to value-engineer the design so that it can be constructed as expediently as possibly while using as many resources as possible on the ‘collaborative partnership’ process itself. Q         Can you demonstrate that you proposal is fully socially inclusive and can be accessed by all through the front door, has contrasting paint colours at every opportunity and has no sharp edges – including prow-form roofs?  Q        Mindful that China has already completed one coal-fired power station this week and that your  large, new building will take an enormous amount of resources to build and operate – please describe how it will help to reduce CO2 emissions in the Principality. Q         How many apprenticeships will be created during the construction phase of the project? Interviews [15%] Q         Are the team members physically attractive, gender balanced, dressed as architects should be, and able to speak in reasonable coherent sentences that ... like ... do not contain the word “like”? Fee submission [40%] Overall price; structure of bid, quoted hourly rates; ability to undertake project agreed timescales. Q         Is the estimated construction cost cheap so that it supports as well it can the untenable business plan? NOTE: A further announcement may be made shortly following representations from those with vested interests in escalating bureaucracy to ensure that additional criteria will include provision  for Vibrant Inclusive Sustainability, Dynamic Low Carbon Emission Communities, Iconic Holistic Symbiotic Leverage

DIPLOMATIC OUTRAGE (Is that an oxymoron?)

The cultural attache to the Canadian Embassy in Cardiff has expressed strong disapproval at the treatment of his countryman and rising star of architecture, Eric Bull, in the course of the event at the Welsh School of Architecture last week. 

In addition to claims of sexual harassment by the lady chair of the Imaginary Lottery Fund, blatantly anti-colonial remarks by the North Wales Representative and unreasonable comments about his apparel, the Embassy claims that Eric's presentation was deliberately sabotaged. But for the sportsmanlike intervention of the eventual winner who mended the projector it is doubtful that a powerpoint presentation of the Great Wall of Wales would have been made. 

The audience at the Birt Acres Theatre appeared very appreciative of the dramatic and artistic interventions proposed along the English Border and it seemed to many that Eric had certainly secured the popular vote. In response to claims of a blatant fix in the final selection the panel have reiterated that they considered the proposal derivative, the concept having been explored by King Offa, The Emperor Hadrian, the Ming Dynasty, Andre Maginot, The German Democratic Republic and countless others.

The regional government has said it will not intervene formally but comments made by the Minster for State Enlightenment in the course of Saturdays British Lions game may trigger further dispute with other colonies. His suggestion that Canada has hitherto given global culture nothing but miserable folk singers and maple syrup could, when coupled with his remarks on cheating Australian sportsmen and New Zealand referees, trigger a call for censure at the next Commonwealth Conference.  

Criticism is also mounting from other quarters as to the overall selection policy, it being noted in the architectural press that all four of the short-listed finalists were in some way closely associated with the Welsh School of Architecture. The School has distanced itself from the event saying that its organisation was the responsibility of The Welsh Architects Theatre Studio who should take full responsibility for the outcome. An initial response from a spokesman for TWATS was dismissive and inferred that such a shortlist was inevitable, as the only architects worth their salt were so associated. As to claims that the selection process was badly managed, biased bordering on corrupt and a complete farce he simply shrugged and said "That's the way these things are done in Wales".

The clarification of the selection criteria outlined by Citizen Joe Nathan, Commissar for Rationalisation and Procurement, will be reproduced here shortly.

AND THE WINNER WAS......

 The winner of the inaugural Welsh Lobster Award for The Building Most Needs was announced as Sam Clark of Sam Clark Architects Masterplanners at the Welsh School of Architecture last night. Sam emerged the least scathed of the four finalists after being roundly abused by the selection panel led by the redoubtable Lady Gwendoline Williams of Mermaid Quay, chair of the Imaginary Lottery Fund.

 Sam's proposal to more intelligently collect and sell Welsh rain was found to have potential socio-economic benefit to Wales and his innovative designs for Sky Harvesting in Towns had the added benefit of partially concealing some of the worst excesses of speculative development and gruesome highway engineering in our towns and cities.

The reservations of Professor Sir Malcolm Parry, one of the more parochial and curmudgeonly of the selection panel, were that we already had a rainwater collection system in Wales - called rivers- were overcome when the more urban benefits were explained.

 These were potentially massive export business, greater comfort for tourists, visitors and residents, al fresco dining, multiple health benefits and reduced umbrella waste.

The increased leisure opportunities were possibly a decisive factor in the final decision of the judges given Wales' reliance on its tourism and leisure trade and were lauded by another of the panellists, the renowned boulevardier and bon vivant, Professor Richard Weston. He commented later that this appeared to be a proposal which could finally ensure that silk scarves and other millinery products are kept dry and in pristine condition



The benefits to the night time economy of Cardiff and other cities were also well illustrated by Sam Clark as follows.

This photograph graphically demonstrates both the discomfort and the sheer waste of good Welsh water on a fairly average night and, with the implementation of Sam's plan we might see the joyous scenes enacted below as more the norm in our towns and cities. 
Our warmest commendations to Sam Clark.

THE BUILDING(S) WALES MOST NEEDS - The Final Call

As excitement mounts the last minute entries for The Dragons Dump, Grand Slum, XXX Factor,I'm a Non-Entity Please Leave Me Here, Celebrity Come Drawing Architectural extravaganza at the Welsh School of Architecture tonight, the judges struggle with the concept of yet another Welsh theme park proposal. In the dubious traditions of Legend Court and Valleywood, the plans for Llandisney are nothing if not ambitious. The 2,000 hectare site at the Heads of the Valleys, which straddles the border of the Brecon Beacons National Park, was initially earmarked for a windfarm. Both the local authority and tourist board have indicated cautious support for the project.
The park will have a Main Street, Wales, authentically modelled on that seen in the film, How Green is My Valley. Around that the promoters propose themed areas including Rugbyland,  Choristers Cove, Merlins Mountain, and Llaregubland which will recreate Dylan Thomas' famous seaside village and its charming characters. Other attractions will include a nightly parade ending in a re-enactment of the Chartist Rising and guests will also have the opportunity of participating in a simulation of the Merthyr Cholera epidemic after sampling the parks catering.

EVENT 20 JUNE LOVE ARCHITECTURE FESTIVAL 2013

If you would like to come along E-MAIL ForsterW@cardiff.ac.uk

THE BUILDING WALES MOST NEEDS - Jailhouse Shock!

A LUXURY PRISON FOR CELEBRITY SEX OFFENDERS AS A MODERN INTERPRETATION AND APPLICATION OF THE PRINCIPLES OF THE PANOPTICAN

Excitement mounts ahead of the STRICTLY NEXT BEST DRAGONS LAIR TALENT FACTOR CELEBRITY APPRENTICE BUILD OFF ON ICE contest scheduled for 20 June at the Welsh School of Architecture. The latest proposal from the respected firm of Bentham, Foucault and Cowell, Architects and Moral Philosophers, is for a new form of detention centre where the inmates are on permanent display to the public. The idea itself is not new having been fully tested by willing (paid) volunteers in such popular television shows as I'm a Third Rate Has-Been With A Pathological Need For Attention So Please, Please, Please Leave Me Here.

There is a strong economic case for the BFC proposal, it being expected that this new form of gaol will actually generate a profit. In addition to admission fees for general viewing other suggestions include a coin operated Feed Your Favourite Nonce system. However, the European Court of Human Rights have expressed concern that the more repulsive and less popular exhibits, sorry, detainees might be starved to death if the paying public spurn them. Attila ap Rhys of the Welsh Defence League has already vigorously defended this proposal and promised to make such interference from Brussels a cornerstone of his campaign to be elected as a UKIP MEP.

As to location and further profitable commercial exploitation of the rehabilitation process BFC are suggesting a seaside site. They have added a large secure concert hall as an optional extra with the suggestion that such a concentration of celebrity sex offenders will ensure that the paying public are guaranteed an entertaining summer season and a great pantomime every Christmas

THE BUILDING WALES MOST NEEDS- The Bilbo Effect

GOOGLEHEIM WALES TO REPLACE AFAN LIDO

From Bilbao to Baglan...... and can it have the same effect? This will be a key question for the judges on 20 June when Frank Gearbox presents his radical proposals for a new gallery of modern art to replace the burned out hulk of the former swimming pool on the Aberavon Corniche. The issue of exhibition quality may vex a few in Wales but, as has been demonstrated in Bilbao and elsewhere, form should triumph over content. With, of course, proper marketing. "I think we have established that there are still enough people with more money than sense" said a spokesperson for the museums international franchise department. "We have more than enough Warhols to stock another five of these and the gift shop will offer the same content as our other outlets in New York, Monte Carlo, Los Angeles, Cape Town, Shanghai, Tallin, Dubaii and of course, Bilbao."

More parochial concerns will centre on how the Sandfields estate might benefit directly from an influx of international cultural tourism and whether the promenade will be restored to the vibrancy of its 1960's heyday. Planning consent has, however, already been granted subject to stringent conditions. These will be considered by the planning committee which is expected to undertake a series of site inspections of other Googleheim  Museums. The judges of the competition which will reach its climax at the Welsh School of Architecture on 20 June have declined to accompany them. They are already committed to an exhaustive fact finding mission of Australian cities relating to the controversial entry received from the local brewery company, Liver. Full details of their proposed Autolout, a combined boozerama, probation office and sportswear shop, have yet to be made public.

THE BUILDING WALES MOST NEEDS - The Modernists Return

THE PALACE OF THE PEOPLES CULTURAL REVOLUTION

An ambitious proposal is expected from the Baaahouse Studios which will honour the steadfast commitment to modernist architecture by the North Gwent Borough Council. The peoples palace will house a sports hall, reflecting the prevailing populist and collective culture of the South Wales Valleys, a Museum of the Avant Garde*, exhibition halls and a school of Creative Digital Design Sciences which will be administered by The University of Great Leighton.

The decision to site the building at The Heads of the Valleys has been questioned by the metropolitan elite but the supporters of the project are adamant that only in North Gwent has there been a proper appreciation of the purity of modernist architecture and the socialist principles that underpin it. This ambitious and iconic structure would be an ornament to any major city and to build it at the extremity of the Valleys is truly an assertion of those ideals.

*NOTE. The Museum of the Avant Garde will incorporate the Museum of Accelerated Obsolescence which has failed to secure Heritage Lottery Funding for the third time. The exhibits will include gramaphones, Betamax and VHS video recorders, Amstrad computers and virtually everything produced by Sir Clive Sinclair. At this point it is uncertain whether the Hall of Ironic Architecture originally proposed will be an appropriate feature.

THE 'BUILDING' WALES NEEDS MOST ?

A PROPOSED MONUMENT TO THE COUNTER CULTURAL OLYMPIAD

The artist, Amish Kippur, consults with the engineers from Oyveh Arup

The renowned artist, Amish Kippur, has been questioned by the adjudicators as to whether his initial proposals can be considered a 'building'. His suggestion that flights of steps be incorporated and the public charged to climb them have not alleviated the judges concerns. 

Some have argued that the massive structure, planned to stand beside what many consider the 'paying entrance' to Wales has some merit. " We have long wanted an iconic statement in that location," said Calvin Kleinpants, design guru and second cousin of the artist. " Wales needs something more than a flashing matrix sign which says ' give us a fiver or fuck off' at the Severn Bridge".

Many, however, consider it a derivative theme and a rather tired repetition of the artists own work at other paying attractions. Others have been even more harsh. The widely respected, if notoriously partisan, elder statesman of Welsh architecture, Sir Cough Mixture- Ellis response to Kleinpants was that he agreed in principle with a symbolic structure, one that spoke of a modern Wales but that this was just another cliched piece of over-sized tat, another opportunist object passed off as public art. Kippur's best known patron, Sir Charles Scratchy, responded angrily to that through his lawyers. In a belligerent statement strongly reminiscent of their High Court action in defence of Sir Charles other protege, Tracy Vermin, they threatened to sue anyone making defamatory remarks likely to devalue their clients speculative investment in Great British Artists.

However, little solidarity was displayed by the best known of the GBA's when his opinion was sought on Kippur's proposed monument. " Of course Kippur's work is symbolic and representative of a modern Wales" said the transexual stunt artist, Dame Ian Worst,  from his/her Cayman Islands studio,  "It's a tangled pile of bugger all with nothing new to say."

The Arts Council have, as yet, declined to enter the fray , their press officer merely repeating their official position that "it's art if we say it is and its public art if we are paying for it". A spokesman for the Imaginary Lottery Fund raised an eyebrow at that but also refused to make any formal comment. 

Contemporary artists in Wales have, predictably, disagreed with all of the above and if Kippur's proposal makes the shortlist for final adjudication at The Welsh School of Architecture on 20 June it should be a stormy evening in Cardiff.

THE BUILDING WALES MOST NEEDS - The Charity

The Love Architecture Festival 2013 event on 20 June at the Birtacres Theatre, Bute Building, Cardiff University will be open to all on a first come first served basis. We will be asking the audience for donations to the Mutende Project details of which are;

THE BUILDING WALES MOST NEEDS - The Traditionalists Respond

The firm of Highgrove, Young & Fogey  have thrown their trilby into the ring with this proposal for a Welsh National School of Art to be built on the shores of Swansea Bay as part of the new Swansea University campus. Designed in the strictly anticarbunculist manner preferred by their best known patron, the Duchy of Carmarthen, HYG have produced a rigid collegiate form which will encourage the proper teaching of traditional methods of drawing and painting. The painting studios are, with the main hall and galleries, elegantly proportioned and a tour de farce of classical motifs. No cornice has gone unswagged, no lily ungilded in this painstaking recreation of Swansea's Golden Age.  The high quality of finish indicated for the upper floors is in contrast to that of the servants quarters which appear to be below average tidal level. There is, for example, a marked difference in the standard of appointment in the Disrobing Room provided for life models adjacent to the Drawing Studios and that of the Second Under Butlers Pantry below. 
Similarly, the suite of rooms provided for the Master of College commands a sweeping panoramic view of Mumbles Head and the North Devon Coast beyond, while the student Refectory Hall enjoys an uninterrupted aspect of Port Talbot. 

Sustainability is equated with durability in this proposal, the structure being built to last through many generations. Maximum use is made of natural light, the massive chandeliers being principally for decorative effect and the minimal provision of heating will, the architects suggest, attune the occupants to the natural rhythms of the seasons and the climate of Swansea Bay. The only noticeable departure from this regime is in the extensive wine cellars which have state of the art air conditioning in the separate compartments allocated for differing chateaux, regions and vintages. The total absence of any car parking spaces is in marked contrast to the wide turning circle for a carriage and four and extensive stabling (not shown).

Things are as they should be and people know their place in the world of HY&G.

UPDATE : THE BUILDING WALES MOST NEEDS

The Mother of All Call Centres Proposed for Former Post Office in Cardiff Bay

As entries continue to pour in for the STRICTLY NEXT BEST DRAGONS LAIR TALENT FACTOR CELEBRITY APPRENTICE BUILD OFF ON ICE contest scheduled for 20 June at the Welsh School of Architecture, heavyweight contenders have started to outline their proposals. The Norman Fester Partnership have given a nostalgic local twist to this variation on their famous Peking and Taiwan Bank building with a strictly commercial take on The Building Wales Most Needs. Taking their cue from Cardiff City Councils recent Green Paper, Rebuilding Momentum, the Fester Partnerships theme is jobs, jobs, jobs. This vast call centre proposed for the long derelict post office building that once served Cardiff Docks will be built adjacent to the Bay railway station giving direct rail access to the vast hordes of unemployed in the Valleys. "Sustainability is the priority of our practice" said Fester, speaking on a cell phone from his private jet. 

If selected by the judges, the building, when completed, will be the tallest in Wales and its shadow will fall on Bristol at sunset. The proposed Subway food outlet on its ground floor will be the largest outside London and the building will have more urinals than Wembley Stadium.

If shortlisted Norman Fester is unlikely to appear to present with other contestants at the Birtacres Theatre on 20 June. The organisers insurers have indicated that they would be unable to underwrite any damage to his ego if his practice were unsuccessful.

THE BUILDING WALES MOST NEEDS

Following the relative success of last years contribution to the Love Architecture Festival, the reading of Under Plywood by Thomas Dylan, The Welsh Architects Theatre Studio are this year proposing a new form of talent contest. This follows the method, now  preferred by Government, of inviting competitive proposals for selection by a group of people, notable principally for their celebrity, not knowledge or wisdom, to select projects for scarce funding.

STRICTLY CELEBRITY NEXT BEST DRAGONS LAIR DESIGN TALENT FACTOR CELEBRITY BUILD- OFF CONTEST ON ICE

The contest will bring to the already problematic area of architectural competition the moral dimension of the present Government, popular press and the televised talent contest. Five short listed contestants will present to an all- star panel competing for funding from the ILF (Imaginary Lottery Fund) for The Building Wales Most Needs. The contestants will present their proposals using slides or appropriate media and be questioned as to viability, feasibility, sustainability and rationality by the panel and audience. 

Each contestant will then be subjected to ordeal by local cuisine;

The Taff Tucker Trial

1.       Clarkes pie + Bacardi Breezer

2.       Pot Noodle + Malibu

3.       Guinness and Tia Maria

4.       Onion bhajee + Pint of Brains SA

5.       Cockles + Strongbow

The event will be hosted by the Welsh School of Architecture at the Birtacres Theatre on Thursday 20 June 2013 (TBC).

The Small Print

The competition is open to all professions active in Wales and its colonies.

Additional points will be awarded for most imaginative use of S106 Agreements.

The final decision of the judges will be arbitrary.

The winners will be given full coverage in the Welsh edition of Hello! magazine, Hiya!/S’mae? And be mentioned in passing on Radio Wales.

PROVISIONAL LIST OF ENTRANTS                                             PROPOSAL

Frank Lloyd George and Partners	A Museum of Welsh Aspirations
Zahara Wadid ap Rhys	Temporary Toilets for National Eisteddfod
T.B.C	Offshore Tax-Free Green Sustainable Casino, Brothel and Bird Sanctuary on Flat Holm Island