DIPLOMATIC OUTRAGE (Is that an oxymoron?)

The cultural attache to the Canadian Embassy in Cardiff has expressed strong disapproval at the treatment of his countryman and rising star of architecture, Eric Bull, in the course of the event at the Welsh School of Architecture last week. 

In addition to claims of sexual harassment by the lady chair of the Imaginary Lottery Fund, blatantly anti-colonial remarks by the North Wales Representative and unreasonable comments about his apparel, the Embassy claims that Eric's presentation was deliberately sabotaged. But for the sportsmanlike intervention of the eventual winner who mended the projector it is doubtful that a powerpoint presentation of the Great Wall of Wales would have been made. 

The audience at the Birt Acres Theatre appeared very appreciative of the dramatic and artistic interventions proposed along the English Border and it seemed to many that Eric had certainly secured the popular vote. In response to claims of a blatant fix in the final selection the panel have reiterated that they considered the proposal derivative, the concept having been explored by King Offa, The Emperor Hadrian, the Ming Dynasty, Andre Maginot, The German Democratic Republic and countless others.

The regional government has said it will not intervene formally but comments made by the Minster for State Enlightenment in the course of Saturdays British Lions game may trigger further dispute with other colonies. His suggestion that Canada has hitherto given global culture nothing but miserable folk singers and maple syrup could, when coupled with his remarks on cheating Australian sportsmen and New Zealand referees, trigger a call for censure at the next Commonwealth Conference.  

Criticism is also mounting from other quarters as to the overall selection policy, it being noted in the architectural press that all four of the short-listed finalists were in some way closely associated with the Welsh School of Architecture. The School has distanced itself from the event saying that its organisation was the responsibility of The Welsh Architects Theatre Studio who should take full responsibility for the outcome. An initial response from a spokesman for TWATS was dismissive and inferred that such a shortlist was inevitable, as the only architects worth their salt were so associated. As to claims that the selection process was badly managed, biased bordering on corrupt and a complete farce he simply shrugged and said "That's the way these things are done in Wales".

The clarification of the selection criteria outlined by Citizen Joe Nathan, Commissar for Rationalisation and Procurement, will be reproduced here shortly.

AND THE WINNER WAS......

 The winner of the inaugural Welsh Lobster Award for The Building Most Needs was announced as Sam Clark of Sam Clark Architects Masterplanners at the Welsh School of Architecture last night. Sam emerged the least scathed of the four finalists after being roundly abused by the selection panel led by the redoubtable Lady Gwendoline Williams of Mermaid Quay, chair of the Imaginary Lottery Fund.

 Sam's proposal to more intelligently collect and sell Welsh rain was found to have potential socio-economic benefit to Wales and his innovative designs for Sky Harvesting in Towns had the added benefit of partially concealing some of the worst excesses of speculative development and gruesome highway engineering in our towns and cities.

The reservations of Professor Sir Malcolm Parry, one of the more parochial and curmudgeonly of the selection panel, were that we already had a rainwater collection system in Wales - called rivers- were overcome when the more urban benefits were explained.

 These were potentially massive export business, greater comfort for tourists, visitors and residents, al fresco dining, multiple health benefits and reduced umbrella waste.

The increased leisure opportunities were possibly a decisive factor in the final decision of the judges given Wales' reliance on its tourism and leisure trade and were lauded by another of the panellists, the renowned boulevardier and bon vivant, Professor Richard Weston. He commented later that this appeared to be a proposal which could finally ensure that silk scarves and other millinery products are kept dry and in pristine condition



The benefits to the night time economy of Cardiff and other cities were also well illustrated by Sam Clark as follows.

This photograph graphically demonstrates both the discomfort and the sheer waste of good Welsh water on a fairly average night and, with the implementation of Sam's plan we might see the joyous scenes enacted below as more the norm in our towns and cities. 
Our warmest commendations to Sam Clark.

THE BUILDING(S) WALES MOST NEEDS - The Final Call

As excitement mounts the last minute entries for The Dragons Dump, Grand Slum, XXX Factor,I'm a Non-Entity Please Leave Me Here, Celebrity Come Drawing Architectural extravaganza at the Welsh School of Architecture tonight, the judges struggle with the concept of yet another Welsh theme park proposal. In the dubious traditions of Legend Court and Valleywood, the plans for Llandisney are nothing if not ambitious. The 2,000 hectare site at the Heads of the Valleys, which straddles the border of the Brecon Beacons National Park, was initially earmarked for a windfarm. Both the local authority and tourist board have indicated cautious support for the project.
The park will have a Main Street, Wales, authentically modelled on that seen in the film, How Green is My Valley. Around that the promoters propose themed areas including Rugbyland,  Choristers Cove, Merlins Mountain, and Llaregubland which will recreate Dylan Thomas' famous seaside village and its charming characters. Other attractions will include a nightly parade ending in a re-enactment of the Chartist Rising and guests will also have the opportunity of participating in a simulation of the Merthyr Cholera epidemic after sampling the parks catering.

EVENT 20 JUNE LOVE ARCHITECTURE FESTIVAL 2013

If you would like to come along E-MAIL ForsterW@cardiff.ac.uk

THE BUILDING WALES MOST NEEDS - Jailhouse Shock!

A LUXURY PRISON FOR CELEBRITY SEX OFFENDERS AS A MODERN INTERPRETATION AND APPLICATION OF THE PRINCIPLES OF THE PANOPTICAN

Excitement mounts ahead of the STRICTLY NEXT BEST DRAGONS LAIR TALENT FACTOR CELEBRITY APPRENTICE BUILD OFF ON ICE contest scheduled for 20 June at the Welsh School of Architecture. The latest proposal from the respected firm of Bentham, Foucault and Cowell, Architects and Moral Philosophers, is for a new form of detention centre where the inmates are on permanent display to the public. The idea itself is not new having been fully tested by willing (paid) volunteers in such popular television shows as I'm a Third Rate Has-Been With A Pathological Need For Attention So Please, Please, Please Leave Me Here.

There is a strong economic case for the BFC proposal, it being expected that this new form of gaol will actually generate a profit. In addition to admission fees for general viewing other suggestions include a coin operated Feed Your Favourite Nonce system. However, the European Court of Human Rights have expressed concern that the more repulsive and less popular exhibits, sorry, detainees might be starved to death if the paying public spurn them. Attila ap Rhys of the Welsh Defence League has already vigorously defended this proposal and promised to make such interference from Brussels a cornerstone of his campaign to be elected as a UKIP MEP.

As to location and further profitable commercial exploitation of the rehabilitation process BFC are suggesting a seaside site. They have added a large secure concert hall as an optional extra with the suggestion that such a concentration of celebrity sex offenders will ensure that the paying public are guaranteed an entertaining summer season and a great pantomime every Christmas

THE BUILDING WALES MOST NEEDS- The Bilbo Effect

GOOGLEHEIM WALES TO REPLACE AFAN LIDO

From Bilbao to Baglan...... and can it have the same effect? This will be a key question for the judges on 20 June when Frank Gearbox presents his radical proposals for a new gallery of modern art to replace the burned out hulk of the former swimming pool on the Aberavon Corniche. The issue of exhibition quality may vex a few in Wales but, as has been demonstrated in Bilbao and elsewhere, form should triumph over content. With, of course, proper marketing. "I think we have established that there are still enough people with more money than sense" said a spokesperson for the museums international franchise department. "We have more than enough Warhols to stock another five of these and the gift shop will offer the same content as our other outlets in New York, Monte Carlo, Los Angeles, Cape Town, Shanghai, Tallin, Dubaii and of course, Bilbao."

More parochial concerns will centre on how the Sandfields estate might benefit directly from an influx of international cultural tourism and whether the promenade will be restored to the vibrancy of its 1960's heyday. Planning consent has, however, already been granted subject to stringent conditions. These will be considered by the planning committee which is expected to undertake a series of site inspections of other Googleheim  Museums. The judges of the competition which will reach its climax at the Welsh School of Architecture on 20 June have declined to accompany them. They are already committed to an exhaustive fact finding mission of Australian cities relating to the controversial entry received from the local brewery company, Liver. Full details of their proposed Autolout, a combined boozerama, probation office and sportswear shop, have yet to be made public.