THE BUILDING WALES MOST NEEDS - Jailhouse Shock!

A LUXURY PRISON FOR CELEBRITY SEX OFFENDERS AS A MODERN INTERPRETATION AND APPLICATION OF THE PRINCIPLES OF THE PANOPTICAN

Excitement mounts ahead of the STRICTLY NEXT BEST DRAGONS LAIR TALENT FACTOR CELEBRITY APPRENTICE BUILD OFF ON ICE contest scheduled for 20 June at the Welsh School of Architecture. The latest proposal from the respected firm of Bentham, Foucault and Cowell, Architects and Moral Philosophers, is for a new form of detention centre where the inmates are on permanent display to the public. The idea itself is not new having been fully tested by willing (paid) volunteers in such popular television shows as I'm a Third Rate Has-Been With A Pathological Need For Attention So Please, Please, Please Leave Me Here.

There is a strong economic case for the BFC proposal, it being expected that this new form of gaol will actually generate a profit. In addition to admission fees for general viewing other suggestions include a coin operated Feed Your Favourite Nonce system. However, the European Court of Human Rights have expressed concern that the more repulsive and less popular exhibits, sorry, detainees might be starved to death if the paying public spurn them. Attila ap Rhys of the Welsh Defence League has already vigorously defended this proposal and promised to make such interference from Brussels a cornerstone of his campaign to be elected as a UKIP MEP.

As to location and further profitable commercial exploitation of the rehabilitation process BFC are suggesting a seaside site. They have added a large secure concert hall as an optional extra with the suggestion that such a concentration of celebrity sex offenders will ensure that the paying public are guaranteed an entertaining summer season and a great pantomime every Christmas

THE BUILDING WALES MOST NEEDS- The Bilbo Effect

GOOGLEHEIM WALES TO REPLACE AFAN LIDO

From Bilbao to Baglan...... and can it have the same effect? This will be a key question for the judges on 20 June when Frank Gearbox presents his radical proposals for a new gallery of modern art to replace the burned out hulk of the former swimming pool on the Aberavon Corniche. The issue of exhibition quality may vex a few in Wales but, as has been demonstrated in Bilbao and elsewhere, form should triumph over content. With, of course, proper marketing. "I think we have established that there are still enough people with more money than sense" said a spokesperson for the museums international franchise department. "We have more than enough Warhols to stock another five of these and the gift shop will offer the same content as our other outlets in New York, Monte Carlo, Los Angeles, Cape Town, Shanghai, Tallin, Dubaii and of course, Bilbao."

More parochial concerns will centre on how the Sandfields estate might benefit directly from an influx of international cultural tourism and whether the promenade will be restored to the vibrancy of its 1960's heyday. Planning consent has, however, already been granted subject to stringent conditions. These will be considered by the planning committee which is expected to undertake a series of site inspections of other Googleheim  Museums. The judges of the competition which will reach its climax at the Welsh School of Architecture on 20 June have declined to accompany them. They are already committed to an exhaustive fact finding mission of Australian cities relating to the controversial entry received from the local brewery company, Liver. Full details of their proposed Autolout, a combined boozerama, probation office and sportswear shop, have yet to be made public.

THE BUILDING WALES MOST NEEDS - The Modernists Return

THE PALACE OF THE PEOPLES CULTURAL REVOLUTION

An ambitious proposal is expected from the Baaahouse Studios which will honour the steadfast commitment to modernist architecture by the North Gwent Borough Council. The peoples palace will house a sports hall, reflecting the prevailing populist and collective culture of the South Wales Valleys, a Museum of the Avant Garde*, exhibition halls and a school of Creative Digital Design Sciences which will be administered by The University of Great Leighton.

The decision to site the building at The Heads of the Valleys has been questioned by the metropolitan elite but the supporters of the project are adamant that only in North Gwent has there been a proper appreciation of the purity of modernist architecture and the socialist principles that underpin it. This ambitious and iconic structure would be an ornament to any major city and to build it at the extremity of the Valleys is truly an assertion of those ideals.

*NOTE. The Museum of the Avant Garde will incorporate the Museum of Accelerated Obsolescence which has failed to secure Heritage Lottery Funding for the third time. The exhibits will include gramaphones, Betamax and VHS video recorders, Amstrad computers and virtually everything produced by Sir Clive Sinclair. At this point it is uncertain whether the Hall of Ironic Architecture originally proposed will be an appropriate feature.

THE 'BUILDING' WALES NEEDS MOST ?

A PROPOSED MONUMENT TO THE COUNTER CULTURAL OLYMPIAD

The artist, Amish Kippur, consults with the engineers from Oyveh Arup

The renowned artist, Amish Kippur, has been questioned by the adjudicators as to whether his initial proposals can be considered a 'building'. His suggestion that flights of steps be incorporated and the public charged to climb them have not alleviated the judges concerns. 

Some have argued that the massive structure, planned to stand beside what many consider the 'paying entrance' to Wales has some merit. " We have long wanted an iconic statement in that location," said Calvin Kleinpants, design guru and second cousin of the artist. " Wales needs something more than a flashing matrix sign which says ' give us a fiver or fuck off' at the Severn Bridge".

Many, however, consider it a derivative theme and a rather tired repetition of the artists own work at other paying attractions. Others have been even more harsh. The widely respected, if notoriously partisan, elder statesman of Welsh architecture, Sir Cough Mixture- Ellis response to Kleinpants was that he agreed in principle with a symbolic structure, one that spoke of a modern Wales but that this was just another cliched piece of over-sized tat, another opportunist object passed off as public art. Kippur's best known patron, Sir Charles Scratchy, responded angrily to that through his lawyers. In a belligerent statement strongly reminiscent of their High Court action in defence of Sir Charles other protege, Tracy Vermin, they threatened to sue anyone making defamatory remarks likely to devalue their clients speculative investment in Great British Artists.

However, little solidarity was displayed by the best known of the GBA's when his opinion was sought on Kippur's proposed monument. " Of course Kippur's work is symbolic and representative of a modern Wales" said the transexual stunt artist, Dame Ian Worst,  from his/her Cayman Islands studio,  "It's a tangled pile of bugger all with nothing new to say."

The Arts Council have, as yet, declined to enter the fray , their press officer merely repeating their official position that "it's art if we say it is and its public art if we are paying for it". A spokesman for the Imaginary Lottery Fund raised an eyebrow at that but also refused to make any formal comment. 

Contemporary artists in Wales have, predictably, disagreed with all of the above and if Kippur's proposal makes the shortlist for final adjudication at The Welsh School of Architecture on 20 June it should be a stormy evening in Cardiff.

THE BUILDING WALES MOST NEEDS - The Charity

The Love Architecture Festival 2013 event on 20 June at the Birtacres Theatre, Bute Building, Cardiff University will be open to all on a first come first served basis. We will be asking the audience for donations to the Mutende Project details of which are;

THE BUILDING WALES MOST NEEDS - The Traditionalists Respond

The firm of Highgrove, Young & Fogey  have thrown their trilby into the ring with this proposal for a Welsh National School of Art to be built on the shores of Swansea Bay as part of the new Swansea University campus. Designed in the strictly anticarbunculist manner preferred by their best known patron, the Duchy of Carmarthen, HYG have produced a rigid collegiate form which will encourage the proper teaching of traditional methods of drawing and painting. The painting studios are, with the main hall and galleries, elegantly proportioned and a tour de farce of classical motifs. No cornice has gone unswagged, no lily ungilded in this painstaking recreation of Swansea's Golden Age.  The high quality of finish indicated for the upper floors is in contrast to that of the servants quarters which appear to be below average tidal level. There is, for example, a marked difference in the standard of appointment in the Disrobing Room provided for life models adjacent to the Drawing Studios and that of the Second Under Butlers Pantry below. 
Similarly, the suite of rooms provided for the Master of College commands a sweeping panoramic view of Mumbles Head and the North Devon Coast beyond, while the student Refectory Hall enjoys an uninterrupted aspect of Port Talbot. 

Sustainability is equated with durability in this proposal, the structure being built to last through many generations. Maximum use is made of natural light, the massive chandeliers being principally for decorative effect and the minimal provision of heating will, the architects suggest, attune the occupants to the natural rhythms of the seasons and the climate of Swansea Bay. The only noticeable departure from this regime is in the extensive wine cellars which have state of the art air conditioning in the separate compartments allocated for differing chateaux, regions and vintages. The total absence of any car parking spaces is in marked contrast to the wide turning circle for a carriage and four and extensive stabling (not shown).

Things are as they should be and people know their place in the world of HY&G.

UPDATE : THE BUILDING WALES MOST NEEDS

The Mother of All Call Centres Proposed for Former Post Office in Cardiff Bay

As entries continue to pour in for the STRICTLY NEXT BEST DRAGONS LAIR TALENT FACTOR CELEBRITY APPRENTICE BUILD OFF ON ICE contest scheduled for 20 June at the Welsh School of Architecture, heavyweight contenders have started to outline their proposals. The Norman Fester Partnership have given a nostalgic local twist to this variation on their famous Peking and Taiwan Bank building with a strictly commercial take on The Building Wales Most Needs. Taking their cue from Cardiff City Councils recent Green Paper, Rebuilding Momentum, the Fester Partnerships theme is jobs, jobs, jobs. This vast call centre proposed for the long derelict post office building that once served Cardiff Docks will be built adjacent to the Bay railway station giving direct rail access to the vast hordes of unemployed in the Valleys. "Sustainability is the priority of our practice" said Fester, speaking on a cell phone from his private jet. 

If selected by the judges, the building, when completed, will be the tallest in Wales and its shadow will fall on Bristol at sunset. The proposed Subway food outlet on its ground floor will be the largest outside London and the building will have more urinals than Wembley Stadium.

If shortlisted Norman Fester is unlikely to appear to present with other contestants at the Birtacres Theatre on 20 June. The organisers insurers have indicated that they would be unable to underwrite any damage to his ego if his practice were unsuccessful.